Green Leaf and the 9 Walkers(title change pending)
by juna
Summary: Sauron wants to be the fairest of them all. But the palantir says a certain elf holds that position already. What will Sauron do?! *gasp* Major Mary-Sue annhilation later on :D
1. The Madness Begins

Authors' note: The Lord of the Rings. We don't own it. How can you tell? My name doesn't end in Tolkien, genius :P I don't get any money for this. Don't sue me.  
  
My friend and I thought of this one night at around 1 am so be prepared for derangedness etc. Whee! Give me comments!  
  
Chapter 1  
  
The dark lord Sauron sat, brooding on his high throne. His mind was troubled, although he knew not why. At long last he decided to consult the palantir.  
  
"Palantir, palantir, on the... pedestal... Who is the fairest of them all?"  
  
"That doesn't rhyme, you fool!" Cried the palantir in reply.  
  
Sauron's anger flared and dark power swirled around him as he shouted, "TELL ME LEST I KICK YOU INTO THE STRATOSPHERE! I PITY THE FOO!"  
  
The palantir shrunk back in surprise, "Whoa! Chillax man. Lets see... Ah here we go: Hair of gold and eyes of blue. The hottest elf, you know who." The palantir winked.  
  
Sauron frowned. "No I don't!"  
  
"Dude, you are SO out of the loop. He's on the cover of EQ, and was voted Sexiest Sentient Being in Middle Earth? And, he was the centrefold of this month's Playelf Magazine? Prince of Mirkwood, Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil??"  
  
"...Guh?"  
  
The palantir sighed, exasperated, and showed an image of the elf in question on its surface. "The one with the hair."  
  
"HIM?! Well, he is quite handsome... I mean no! It cannot be!"  
  
Sauron pondered this sulkily for a while. HE had never been in a magazine, except for that one time with Ring Makers Monthly, but that was back in the Second Age!  
  
"I must find this... Leg of Lass... Then I will destroy him, so that *I* will be the most BEAUTIFUL SENTIENT BEING! MUAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAA!" Sauron threw his head back and laughed heartily for a long period of time, until the leaning caused his throne to fall over. He got up hastily and dusted off his armour.  
  
"Ahem, well I can't go after this... what's his name?"  
  
"Legolas."  
  
Sauron shrugged. "Yeah, what's his face. I can't go after him now; I have an appointment at the spa in half an hour. I'll send the orcs."  
  
"Errr, Sauron..."  
  
"What?" Demanded Sauron testily.  
  
"The orcs went on strike last week. They're demanding a 20% pay raise over the next 3 years, and want increased health benefits being that they work under such stressful and dangerous conditions."  
  
"Well shit. What about the Nazgul?"  
  
"They're still angry about the time you laughed at them after they got washed down the river. The Witch King of Angmar is especially miffed since his favourite horse died and you fed it to the orcs. Which reminds me, the orcs are also demanding quality man-flesh instead of that imitation stuff you keep giving them."  
  
Sauron grumbled. Who the hell was he going to send? He couldn't put off his appointment; he had had to book it MONTHS in advance. But clearly, the matter of... of... What's his face needed attending to immediately. Suddenly, it occurred to him. An evil grin spread across his face as he began to laugh again, this time more diabolically. He knew *exactly* who to send. 


	2. The Madness... Continues...??

LOTR, don't own them. Don't sue me. That is all.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Sauron chanted a few words and drew a circle in the air with his finger (on the hand that didn't get chopped up), opening a dark portal in the middle of the room. Immediately, fell voices were heard coming from the portal. Inhuman shrieks and screeches rent the air and the palantir cowered in fear. Sauron held steady, but even he was not at ease. He only hoped he could control what he would now unleash upon his one and only rival.  
  
A pale, thin hand reached out of the portal, and Sauron took a step back too late. The fingers curled around his wrist with shocking speed, followed by several other hands. Sauron let out a high-pitched scream and tried to pull away, instead dragging the hands and their owners out of the portal. The portal seemed to open like a floodgate, and thousands upon thousands of the creatures poured out, their voices filling the air and casting fear and horror upon all who heard them. Sauron shook off the creatures and bellowed.  
  
"SILENCE!" The creatures obeyed and looked at him curiously.  
  
"Where is the one called Legolas?" One demanded, striding up to take the position of leader of the creatures. A few were holding pens. Some were salivating excessively. And all of them appeared to be... Female.  
  
Sauron bristled. "First you must hear my commands, then you may find that which you seek."  
  
The leader's eyes narrowed. "We follow no orders. We know only what we want. So speak if you will, but we will not heed it unless it follows our own wishes."  
  
"You must find this person," Sauron held up the palantir, who was still displaying Legolas. "You must find him, and kill him!"  
  
The creatures hissed and spat at Sauron frightfully in response to this. "We will not kill him! We shall take him for our own, and you will return us to our own world with him!" The leader cried, and Sauron shook in fear.  
  
"Yes, of course! I only mean to get him out of Middle Earth!" Sauron quickly corrected himself.  
  
"That is satisfactory. Come! We mustn't waste any more time." The creatures filed out of the room swiftly. Sauron sighed and wiped his brow.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
The Fellowship of the Ring were hanging about, having a nice chat together in the Prancing Pony at Bree, being that they were in a conveniently present alternate universe, which was created solely for the purposes of this story.  
  
*cough*  
  
Little did any of them know that as they drank their ale and laughed, doom was coming on swift and deadly wings. Or legs, rather. Or something.  
  
In Mordor...  
  
The creatures from the other world were sweeping across the land, swarming across the bridges and through the great gate. Orcs jumped out of the way in terror, feeling the terrible power and lust of the company, and some leapt off the edges of cliffs to escape it.  
  
Onwards they ran, west and north, sensing the presence of their prey with an uncanny accuracy.  
  
The leader turned to one of her captains as they ran on. "What does the radar say? Are we getting close?" The captain panted.  
  
"No, they appear to be in Bree. That's at least 2 weeks travel from here! We need to stop. I'm hungry and tired!" Whined the captain.  
  
The leader snorted before tripping on a stone in the road and falling face first in the dirt. The rest of the creatures took this as an excuse to stop and rest. Most of them were quite out of shape. The leader got up and wiped her face with her sleeve.  
  
"I hate you guys." She sniffled, and sat in the middle of the road with her back to the rest of the company. 


	3. The Plot Actually Goes Somewhere!

LOTR, not mine, blah blah. Props to Invader Zim for the genius line :D  
  
Changed Aragorn's part to Pippin. Seemed too out of character for a ranger to bring enemies to him, even if he does like killing orcs. Hehe.  
  
p  
  
Chapter 3  
  
A Few Days Later, Just Outside the Fields of Rohan...  
  
The Fellowship was resting in the cliffs, (there are cliffs on the edge of the Fields of Rohan right? If not, there are now :D), enjoying a picnic in the sunshine. Gandalf was enjoying his weed a little too much, and Aragorn was taking unholy delight in polishing his sword, but otherwise it was a wonderful and relaxing day. Suddenly, hearing a strange noise, Legolas looked up from the fish-kebab he was cooking. He stood up, squinting into the distance, his hand shading his eyes from the glare of the sun.  
  
"There is a great company of creatures 2 leagues from here, advancing at a terrific speed." He said seriously, and then took a bite out of his fish. He chewed solemnly, staying in the same position. Aragorn jumped up.  
  
"Orcs? Are they orcs? Tell me damnit!" He cried, brandishing his sword a little too enthusiastically, cutting the tip off Gandalf's hat.  
  
"Heyyyr, furk you! Ahm on HOLIDAY!" Slurred Gandalf, who was also squinting, but he was just trying to see properly. "An' kit dancing around like thadd... Oooh, pretty colourrrrs..."  
  
"They appear to be human. And... Female..." Legolas looked questioningly at Boromir.  
  
"Is it some new breed of orc?" Asked Aragorn, his eyebrows furrowing.  
  
"Hey man, I swear I don't know them. Maybe I was a *bit* of a player back in Gondor, but I'm sure those chicks weren't serious when they said they'd kill me. Right? Right??"  
  
Sam looked up from tending the fire. "I thought you said you had over 700 girlfriends back in Gondor, and most of them were betrothed or married?"  
  
"Minor detail." Said Boromir, shrugging and trying to discreetly escape.  
  
"There are far more than 700 girls there. And they seem to be yelling something. Augh, they shriek like Nazgul! It pains my ears."  
  
Frodo was curious. "What are they yelling? Some sort of war cry?"  
  
Legolas listened intently and paled. He began to sway on his feet, and would have dropped off the cliff if Gimli hadn't gripped his braid and pulled him back.  
  
"Orcs?" Asked Aragorn hopefully.  
  
On the Fields of Rohan...  
  
Refreshed from rest, and hyperactive from many chocolate bars, the fell company advanced, screaming as they went. They were getting close, very close. They ran onwards, not tiring, for their goal was right before their eyes. The radar beeped with growing anticipation.  
  
"LEGOLAS!" They cried in unison, their voices scaring away all wildlife in a 100-meter radius. The Confederation of Mary-Sues (CMS), had come.  
  
Back With the Fellowship...  
  
Legolas was gibbering incoherently, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth in a disturbing manner. He refused to stop even when Pippin and Merry kicked him.  
  
"I have an idea!" Exclaimed Pippin suddenly. "How about, we stand on the cliff and wave to them, and maybe they'll come here!" Legolas wailed and made sounds suspiciously similar to sobbing and "Why are you doing this to me??"  
  
The rest of the Fellowship just stared at Pippin. And blinked. And stared some more. Pippin didn't seem to notice however, and smoothed his hair back smugly.  
  
"Pippin..." Merry said carefully, "WHY are you such a GENIUS!" He exclaimed, grinning madly. The two of them immediately jumped upon a nearby boulder and began flailing their arms. The Fellowship sweatdropped, with the exception of Legolas, who just continued sobbing. 


	4. Mary-Sue Massacres and Legolas Angst?

LOTR, don't own them, you know the drill. Props to Monty Python and Simpsons!  
  
Mary-Sue slaughter, faint of heart and such should probably go find a nice mary-sue fic and read that instead.  
  
Ps. Thanks for the reviews :D  
  
Chapter 4  
  
The girls arrived finally at the cliffs, and found the Fellowship waiting for them at the bottom. They had carried Legolas down, and he was now trying his best to imitate a rock so as not to be seen. After Frodo assured him that he was indeed rock-like enough to fool his pursuers, he had stopped sobbing.  
  
Aragorn stepped forward to confront them.  
  
"Be you man? Or beast? Or some new breed of orc?" Aragorn's eyes lit up at the last question.  
  
"We want Legolas!" Cried the leader.  
  
"I love you Legolas! Fall in love with me for no apparent reason so that you can surrender your immortality for me!" Screamed a random member of the company. "I came all the way to Middle Earth through a plot hole just for you!"  
  
Legolas, forgetting himself, stood up in disgust. "I'm 2931 years old, and I haven't fallen in love yet! What makes you think I'll just suddenly fall in love with you? Besides, with all these hot elf women about, you'd think I would choose one of them." Too late, he realized his mistake. The girls came rushing forward.  
  
"Back! Back I say!" Yelped Aragorn.  
  
"They're Orcs! Orcs bad Aragorn, orcs BAD!" Legolas yelled in desperation. Aragorn brightened visibly.  
  
"Ha HA! I knew you were some new breed of orc!" Aragorn began hacking at the girls almost gleefully, Anduril gleaming like some sort of really highly polished sword of DEATH! Muahahahahaaa-*cough, hack*  
  
Everyone drew their weapons, and much Mary-Sue slaughtering ensued. And there was much rejoicing. Some escaped the delighted wrath of Aragorn, and went straight for Legolas.  
  
"Sign my chest for me!" Cried one, waving a pen and attempting to jump on the elf. Legolas drew back his bow and shot her. But many more replaced her. Another tried to kiss him.  
  
"Gah! Be gone you foul creatures! Go back from whence you came!" But there were too many, and soon Legolas was lost in a sea of drooling, groping, Mary-Sues. All seemed to be lost. Until, shaking off his weed induced stupor, Gandalf raised himself to impressive height and took up his staff.  
  
The ground shook, and dark storm clouds immediately blotted out the sun. Thunder rumbled deeply, shivering off the grabby holds on Legolas. Lightning began to rain upon the masses of Mary-Sues, like... lightning. Those who remained standing, hissed at Gandalf in an unwholesome, feral manner, and retreated for the time being. But not before stealing locks of Legolas' prized hair, and also snatching one of his shoes before he could recover. They passed like shadows into the tall grasses of the Field of Rohan, to regroup and gather strength for the next assault.  
  
Legolas stood up, bewildered and dishevelled, not to mention down one shoe. He sniffled and sat down in the grass and began to sob again.  
  
"Of all the terrible creatures that should follow me, WHY did it have to be Mary-Sues??" He wailed, covering his face with his hands. The hobbits ambled over and attempted to console him.  
  
"It's alright Legolas, at least it isn't a Balrog." Said Frodo encouragingly.  
  
"I'd rather a Balrog than a bunch of hormone driven girls," Sniffed Legolas. "And they took one of my favourite shoes! It took me 283 years to find a pair I liked that were in my size! And my hair!" The elf gripped it. Indeed, a large chunk had been severed, and the rest was somewhat tangled and damaged. Legolas resumed crying.  
  
"There there," Cooed the hobbits, patting him on the back, but he would not be consoled. Eventually, night fell, and they had to set up camp around him. Even after he stopped crying however, he would not sleep. He began rocking back and forth and hugging his knees again, whispering "Can't sleep, girls will get me. Can't sleep, girls will get me..." and glancing around him in a paranoid fashion.  
  
The Fellowship decided to ignore him and went to sleep. It was the worst move they had ever made. 


	5. Manly Makeovers

LOTR, don't own it. Sausages line stolen from Keeping the Faith. :D  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Boromir couldn't sleep because of the incessant scraping noise of Legolas rocking back and forth. Finally, he rolled out of his sleeping bag and confronted the elf.  
  
"For god's sake man, pull yourself together! As if you haven't been mauled by women before." Legolas fell silent and looked up at Boromir, ceasing the rocking motion.  
  
"... But they took my shoe..." He said pitifully, and a tear slid down his face. Boromir shifted uncomfortably. He wasn't used to this sort of thing. So he woke up Gimli.  
  
"Yarr, what do you want? I was dreaming of my mother's sausages." Grumbled Gimli.  
  
"Legolas is crying again, and he's your best friend, so do something!" Boromir dragged him out of bed.  
  
"Bleah. Legolas? What's the matter?"  
  
"They kidnapped Albert, Gimli. They just took him like that! Who knows what awful things they're doing to him now..."  
  
"Albert?"  
  
"My shoe..."  
  
"... You named your SHOE?"  
  
"Well, yes. One gets attached to things after having them for a thousand years."  
  
"... You named your SHOE?"  
  
Seeing that the conversation was clearly going nowhere, Boromir decided to wake up Aragorn as well and hold a meeting. Aragorn yawned and stumbled over to where the others sat.  
  
"Hey, if we're holding a meeting, why don't we wake up the hobbits and Gandalf?" Aragorn was loth to let them sleep if *he* had to suffer. Gimli poked him in the ribs.  
  
"You've obviously never tried to wake a hobbit out of a sound sleep. The only thing that would rouse them now is a tempest."  
  
"Yeah, and do YOU want to be on the wrong end of Gandalf's staff? `Cuz I sure as hell don't." Snorted Boromir.  
  
"Fine, fine. What are we having a meeting about anyway?" They all looked at Legolas, who looked back at them.  
  
"What?" He asked. "Is there a bug on my face?" He rubbed his face concernedly.  
  
"Anyway, I thought if we gave Legolas a makeover, the girls might stop liking him and go away." Boromir said. Aragorn blinked at him.  
  
"A makeover?"  
  
Boromir coughed. "Er, of the manly sort, of course."  
  
"What do you mean by a manly makeover? You're not going to style my hair or something are you?" Legolas demanded suspiciously. The other three looked at each other meaningfully. They tackled the elf and held him down.  
  
"Aragorn, give me your knife quick!" At this, Legolas screamed.  
  
"YOU CAN'T SLASH ME WHILE I'M STILL AWAKE! I REFUSE TO BE DELIBERATELY SCARRED!" He thrashed with surprising strength. Gimli put an armoured hand over his mouth.  
  
"Do you want all of Middle Earth to hear you? You'll bring the wrath of the Mary-Sues upon us!" Hissed Gimli. Legolas looked reproachfully at the two men and the dwarf holding him down but stopped screaming and struggling.  
  
"Alright then Legolas, this won't hurt a bit!" Said Boromir, trying to sound upbeat. Legolas cringed and shut his eyes. Sharp slicing noises were heard, and Legolas opened his eyes in surprise. They hadn't slashed his face! He was alive! The three let Legolas sit up. But, something was off. Legolas felt for his hair, which was mysteriously gone. His eyes widened and it seemed he was getting ready for another bout of screaming when Gimli smothered his face with his hand again and Aragorn and Boromir pinned him down. Muffled elvish cursing was heard.  
  
"Maybe we should have asked him first..." Said Aragorn, deftly dodging a kick aimed for his groin.  
  
"Bah, where's the fun in that?" Boromir scoffed. "Anyway, we're not done yet. We have to see about his clothes still."  
  
After much convincing, Legolas finally calmed down and agreed to wear some of Boromir and Aragorn's spare clothes. The shirt and tunic were 3 sizes too large. The large belt threatened to slide down to the ground. And his face and clothes were smeared with dirt and leaves, to give the appropriate "manly" look. He wore a pair of old boots, courtesy of Boromir.  
  
"It would look so much better if he could just grow a damn beard." Muttered Gimli. Legolas gave him the finger.  
  
"There's a stream nearby, why don't you go take a look at yourself?" Aragorn suggested, trying to ease the tension. The sun had risen already and it was now light enough to see. Legolas stalked off.  
  
He felt clumsy and ugly. They had hacked off what seemed like all of his hair. Didn't they know how long it took him to grow it out? The back of his neck was cold now. And the clothes! Ugh. He picked at the muddied tunic gingerly. Furthermore, the boots were heavy and clunky. He was having trouble stepping lightly in them. He clomped to the river and took a look at himself, feeling unhappy. The reflection startled him.  
  
His hair was now as short as Aragorn's. It seemed to sharpen his features, and he fancied that he looked almost like a human man. It covered his distinctly pointed ears as well. The loose clothes made him look stouter. He suddenly wished he had a sword to complete the image.  
  
Suddenly, Legolas felt good again. It would take some getting used to, but he might just be able to avoid the girls using this disguise. He walked happily back to the camp, whistling as he went. 


	6. Hidden Variables...!!

We like flashbacks, but don't own LOTR. That is all.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Rewind to the Night Before…  
  
Deep in the Field of Rohan, a somewhat diminished pack of Mary-Sues set up camp for the night, plotting their next attack…err… "visit" to their beloved Legolas. They set up a perimeter around many small fires as the Leader passed out marshmallows, chocolate and graham wafers to make s'mores. Though they were grieving for the loss of many good friends, they couldn't help but gawk at- I mean… admire the items they had removed from the Elven prince. They carefully placed the shoe and scraps of hair into zip lock bags and sealed them for extra freshness. As they completed this task reverently, one of the younger agents sprinted towards the center of the camp, where the Leader was sitting.  
  
"Two of the Scouts have returned," The girl gasped, out of breath.  
  
"What do they have to report? Have they brought back anything?" Demanded the Leader.  
  
"They come bearing gifts of delicious chocolate and vanilla iced cookies for $3.99 each! Kinda steep if you ask me."  
  
"Bring them forth!" It had been a long time since the CMS had eaten anything besides s'mores and diet shakes. Anything new was welcome, even if it *was* a major rip off. The girl scurried out of the perimeter, bringing back two scruffy characters. One was small, hunched, skinny, and had a slightly greenish tinge. Her arms and legs were strangely long, and her hands broad and flat. Her eyes were admittedly bulgy and creepy, and a strange smell was coming off her skin… The Leader grimaced and studied the other girl.  
  
The second stood many times taller than the other, was glowing deep red like the embers of hellfire behind a smokescreen, and lacked most, if not all, human characteristics. The only distinguishable features of the huge face were two evil looking eyes, which seemed to glow redder than the rest of the strange girl.  
  
Both were clad in Girl Scout uniforms, and carried several small boxes of assorted cookies. The small and pungent one, was first to speak.  
  
"We have cookiesssssss… Yessssss, precioussss… cookiessssss…" She held out a box, then elbowed her partner to do the same. The Leader looked at the boxes, and then back at the girl. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously.  
  
"You don't *look* like the scouts I sent out. What's wrong with you?" The two girls looked at each other in panic. The smaller one seemed to be mouthing "think of something!" to the other. Finally, the larger one spoke, her voice rumbling deeply.  
  
"Exfoliate…" Everyone stared blankly at them for a moment, until one of them exclaimed:  
  
"Oh! I get it now. They haven't exfoliated in a few days, that's why they look like hell!" The rest nodded and murmured pityingly. Staying out in the wild wreaked havoc on your pores. Especially when there was no moisturizer around, or running water come to think of it. Or Olay Facial Wash, that was the Leader's favourite brand.  
  
The two girls were led to the main fire, where they were offered s'mores and antibacterial gel, not exactly in that order. They sat down uneasily. The larger one seemed to like the fire, but the smaller one shied away, even when she was offered a nice hot marshmallow. She mumbled something about fish and slunk away when no one was watching.  
  
After they had finished eating, the Leader stood up.  
  
"It is now… FANFICTION TIME!" Everyone began shrieking and grappling, trying to stand next to the Leader so as to read her own Mary-Sue Fanfic. The greenish girl returned unnoticed by all except for her mass-enhanced companion. A girl finally won a place next to the leader, and began to read. While the rest were enthralled by the familiar story, the 2 newcomers were involved in their own matters…  
  
Flashback Sequence #1; Back in Moria, Balrog Vs. Gandalf…  
  
Sitting on the floor at the bottom of the deep chasm, the balrog snarled at the old man, although it sounded more like a roar. Gandalf merely flicked his eyes up from his card and said the two deadly words.  
  
"Go. Fish." The balrog bellowed in agony. How could he possibly lose to a stupid wizard?? Gandalf cackled maniacally as he paired his last card. The balrog had lost. But worse yet, they had been betting on the game. With the last pair of 5's, Gandalf had won his freedom, not to mention the balrog's entire stash of weed *and* his favourite pipe. The balrog wept, the hot molten tears burning holes in the ground.  
  
"Haha! So long, sucka!" Cried the wizard, picking up his hat and staff and strolling out a conveniently placed door nearby. The balrog continued weeping.  
  
He would never forget his grief and pain at the hands of Gandalf.  
  
End Flashback Sequence #1  
  
The balrog was practically frothing at the mouth, seething silently in his personal memories. He remained luckily unnoticed by the rapt Mary-Sues as they listened with great interest to the fanfic. He wiped his mouth quickly, to avoid being more conspicuous than he already was. He could smell the fabric of the Girl Scout uniform burning at the edges, and he wasn't quite sure if they had bought the story about not exfoliating. He sat quietly and tried not to think of his quest for revenge, and eventually fell asleep from boredom. Gollum picked his nose absently, lost in memories of his own…  
  
Flashback Sequence #2; Random Period of Time Involving Gollum/Smeagol  
  
Gollum ate a fish and choked on one of the rib bones. He had fallen on the floor and writhed in agony for 5 seconds before finding a nearby lemon and sucking the juice out of it. The citric acid softened the bone and allowed him to swallow it. Silently thanking his high school chemistry courses that had taught him about acids and bases, he threw the lemon carcass away and went to sleep.  
  
End Flashback Sequence #2  
  
Roused out of his flashback by swooning girls (they had just gotten to the part where Legolas professes his love to the "original character"), Gollum turned his thoughts to the REAL reason why he was there… 


End file.
